Stoned-Out Rolando McClain Celebrates First Week of Suspension. Buys Entire Night Club Hot Pockets

Dallas Cowboys Linebacker and former first-round draft pick Rolando McClain can’t seem to get out of the spotlight, and for all the wrong reasons. The NFL suspended the 27-year-old former All-SEC defensive star McClain for an entire year for missing a drug test this past week. This is coming off a previous 10-game suspension for McClain after violating the team’s substance abuse policies at the beginning of the pre-season.

While to most players a second suspension of the year would be encouragement stay out of the public eye, McClain went to his own measures to celebrate. The Suspended McClain was spotted blitzed out in the Lizard Lounge last night- eyes red and casting a Pigpen style cloud of haze from behind him. McClain was accompanied by his large entourage, including well-known ganja-smoking celebrities Cheech Marin, Vanilla Ice, and James Franco’s character from Pineapple Express.

The drugs and entourage, however, was not all that McClain brought with him. The visibly stoned crew came along carrying ample amounts of munchies for the whole club, including eight boxes of Taco Bell variety packs and enough Hot Pockets to bloat a large Myanmar village for weeks. On the subject of his suspension, the drugged-out McClain was too inebriated to properly answer, exclaiming, “It’s Lit!”

McClain’s suspension hasn’t been too much of an issue for the Dallas Cowboys so far this season, currently leading the NFC East and seeing promise from rookie players Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott. When asked about how the team will cope without McClain, Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jason Garrett responded, “So long as Ezekiel never learns about drugs from him, I’m fine”. To lock down on preventing substance abuse in the future, the Dallas Cowboys are implementing additional drug tests throughout the season, a 24-hour team physician for players to talk to, and have signed Darren the D.A.R.E. Lion to a 10-day contract to teach players about the dangers of drugs.


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