The National Football League’s 2016 season has been filled with wild moments— Giant’s Wide Receiver Odell Beckham Jr. getting attacked by his kicking net, numerous Antonio Brown twerk-offs, and of course kicker Josh Brown denouncing his wife as a slave. It’s hard to imagine feeling like something is still missing with so much excitement going on this season, but yet, at week 12 in the NFL season, one can’t help but find themselves missing the world’s largest, loud-mouthed Skittle guzzling ex-player around, Marshawn Lynch. Well, worry about getting fined no more- in a recent development broken by TMZ; Lynch was spotted for the first time since his retirement at the end of the 2015 season.
The visibly exhausted Lynch was wearing his signature Xbox pajama pants, dark “Beastmode” shades, and a personalized Seahawks jersey, written completely in Simlish, as he was spotted outside his mother’s Oakland apartment. When asked about his future plans within the National Football League, the veteran back responded, “Dog, I’m finished with the Sims so now I’as on my ways back to the NFL”. Lynch went on to explain that since joining the Seattle Seahawks organization in 2010, he has been mildly addicted to the Electronic Arts game Sims 3, often skipping post-game press conferences in order to get home and finish the game. That’s right, people – the quiet Lynch was simply keeping quiet at conferences to go home and replace real human interaction with fake computer interaction in the form of a simulation game of life. Says Lynch on his decision to quit Sims to go back to football, “I was cooking on the oven and then my house caught on fire. But that sh*t’s not realistic. I would never be cooking ‘n’ sh*t”.
Lynch, also known as “Beastmode”, claims he will use his newfound time not playing the Sims to workout, train and eat Skittles alongside his Seahawk teammates. This news comes as a less-pleasant surprise to the NFC West-leading Seahawks, who have since gotten used to a locker room without Lynch. All Seattle Fans can hope is that no matter who is playing running back for the Seahawks, to make sure Russ hands them the ball and never throws again on 4th and goal.