Dikembe Mutombo: This Holiday season, the best way to woman’s heart is by excavating the chest and performing an Indiana Jones 2 heart removal operation on it.

With the Winter Holidays now in full swing, many find themselves looking to stay in, bundle up, and take it easy with their loved ones. That is, those with loved ones at least. Less fortunate, un-loved human beings find themselves lost among the snow and looking for something warm to hold onto. Well- depressed frostbitten snowman- search no longer. In a recent memoir released by Dikembe Mutombo entitled “Yes, Yes, Yes: Personal Stories of Sexual Conquest using only my Index Finger”, the NBA’s tallest ladies man releases all of his love tricks out to the public. The Congo native Mutombo exclaims, “Love is like chasing a Lion in the wild. You will be eaten if you run away. You will be eaten if you don’t. But if you tickle Lion just right, you will be eaten less quickly”.

In his memoir, the 50-year-old Mutombo comes out about his multiple partnerships over the course of his career, claiming he had several open relationships at once with many different forms of mammals- including a threesome with a Best Western cleaning woman and an elk he found in the woods while playing for the Denver Nuggets.


Mutumbo, dancing along to “Single Ladies” as it plays in Houston’s Toyota Center


Mutombo claimed that he had been asked to remain quiet about several of the stories and situations in his past, but decided it was finally time to open up about his sexual history and come clean about his murky past- including an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-style heart excavation he was asked to perform on then secretary of state George P. Shultz during his time playing college ball at Georgetown University.

Above: Shultz, explaining how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

Mutombo hopes that he can inspire others to find love through his personal memoir, and give everyone a chance to be less lonely in the upcoming months. Mutombo’s memoir, “Yes, Yes, Yes: Personal Stories of Sexual Conquest using only my Index Finger” will be released to the public just in time for the last day of Kwanza.



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